It's a New Year!

One amazing cairn!

A "cairn" is a trail marker, usually rocks stacked on top of each other, indicating which trail hikers need to continue on. They aren't directional, but placed next to the trail to eliminate confusion.  I just read a book called "Death Clouds" about six young Boy Scouts who got caught in a severe winter storm in the Santa Rita Mts. near Tucson, AZ.  Three of the scouts ventured ahead on the trail to the summit of Mt. Baldy, but took a wrong turn coming off of the mountain, ended up on a side trail, and died from exposure to unusual freezing weather.  Did they miss the cairn, or was there even a pile of rocks on the right trail?

Andy has had trail markers his whole young life, but for some reason he has chosen to ignore what could have kept him on the right trail.  Why do some people choose to ignore the warning signs, to disregard what will save their lives?  I wonder if he understands that today.

I read my 2010 journal where I shared all the stress associated with our son.  The past couple of months since he's been in jail have been a warm spring day with all the freedom one feels running barefoot through the green grass, hearing the birds sing, and feeling the sun sending warmth and light.  I almost feel guilty saying that.  For some of Andy's life he had the capability of bringing light and warmth to those around him.  

There have been several hearings where the prosecutor and the defense attorney are trying to work out a deal.   And after each hearing where Andy rejects what the offer is, the next one is worse.  I can only hope and pray he will be sentenced fairly and what will do the most good for him.  Because I have no control over what will happen.  That was relinquished when he chose not to follow the trail markers.  It not only affects the one walking through life, but others as well.                    

Tis the Season to be Jolly!

I had been having some major struggles with feelings of worth as a mom and wife, and even a human being because of the trials I have been "blessed" with.  I mean I've gone through this before; it's nothing new, but I was letting the challenges get to me.  And once again, I've decided to smile in spite of them and look for what's good in life.  I am sad to say I haven't let Andy's circumstances get me too far down.  I don't know if it's because of distractions or I'm pushing feelings back in the dark recesses of my mind or the spirit is helping me have confidence that he is where he needs to be and that he is safe.  I like the last one, but maybe hard to accept.

I haven't talked to Andy in nearly a month.  His dad went to the jail outside of Los Angeles to visit with him two days over a weekend lately.  He said he was good and even content.  That is the biggest worry for me that this does become his life and these "roommates" are his community.  I wonder how Christmas is going to be for him?  Unfortunately he has spent a few over the past several years locked up.  How can he stand it?

Christmas has always meant home and being with loved ones for me.

I will keep trying to make this a jolly season for myself and those around me.  Andy is in someone else's hands and I can't do anything about it.